Alfie Explains it All
Embrace Your Neuroses.
Saturday, December 30:
I heard that, when you first turn on the new Nintendo Wii videogame system, it asks you to name it (in addition to setting the time and date).
I haven't gotten a Wii yet, but I'm know what I'm going to call it: Wiitarded.
Alfie // 12/30/2006 12:27:00 AM
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Wednesday, October 18:
I'm so poor that, to save money on shaving cream, I don't spit when I brush my teeth but rather let all the foam gurgle and drool out of my mouth before spreading it over my face. It mixes with my tears of sadness to create a pleasant foamy lather that's gentle on my sensitive skin.
I didn't know that one of my ears is slightly higher than the other one until a barber told me. I wonder what else he's told people, and if maybe he's ever had to break the news to someone that he's totally bald. Hey, it could happen. Bald-guy-in-denial walks in, "Hey Joe, just a little off the top." "Mr. Ambrose, I cut hairs, not scalps."
It probably doesn't cost much to hire a full-time chauffeur, and they don't absolutely have to pilot around a really nice car. Maybe if you were planning on buying a thirty thousand dollar sedan, you should get a Geo Metro and someone to drive you everywhere.
One of my friends bought that car brand new for six thousand bucks.
But anyway, the chauffeur would probably like you because you're not as stuffy and snooty as his previous clients, and also because you probably wouldn't make him wear a cap and white gloves in a goddamn hatchback Geo.
Alfie // 10/18/2006 12:51:00 PM
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She tried to sing for us, and it was so bad... I was reminded of that Fight Club line, you know, having something to do with destroying something beautiful.
Sure, I love you with every fiber of my being, but how many fibers compose me, really? What percentage of my being's made up of 'em, and how significant is it that all my fibers love ya?
I bet a lot of stand-up comedians are real assholes. They love to be the center of attention and they think they're really fuckin' clever.
"Be quiet, I want everyone to listen to me, and I fully expect you to laugh at everything I have to say."
I was reading some British newspaper online and I just HAD to click on the headline "Girl Found In Boot." It was about a girl in a car trunk, they're just British! I thought it was a girl in a real boot, like some sort of freakin' fairytale or some shit.
I wanna skydive over a city, so it'll be like real-life Google Earth.
Zoom in, zoom in!
Alfie // 10/18/2006 03:24:00 AM
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Thursday, September 21:
My car goes zero to sixty miles per hour in three seconds when you push it off a cliff.
I sent Alison a text message that said, "Why don't you go poop on yourself?"
She replied "fuck you bitch"
I tried to work out a little, but I couldn't find my weights. It didn't work out.
Happy Birthday to Veronica!
Alfie // 9/21/2006 10:29:00 PM
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Monday, July 10:
I'm very sensitive to insensitivity.
In a videogame, there was a fictional law firm called "Dewey Cheatham & Howe." If I had to name a company like that, I'd call it, "Banger & Leever."
Here's what you do: You grab a ninety-nine cents 16.9 fluid ounces bottle of CVS Pharmacy brand Natural Orange Flavored Water Beverage, and in it place three (3) orange vanilla swirl limited edition Ice Cream Skittles bite size candies. They dissolve and the resulting flavor is fuckin' awesome.
They shouldn't be called "bite size" candies. A Skittle-sized bite is ridiculous. No one takes bites that small, except maybe you if your jaw is fetus-sized.
Skittles! It's not just for fetii anymore.
Fetii, hippopotamii, cactii, Jesii, anii.
"I'm not addicted," he earnestly explained. "I find myself not craving the drug, but rather its effects." He added, "I want crank."
People are pissed at KFC because their 3-piece crispy chicken meal has 15 grams of fat, and the recommended daily amount one should have is only 2 grams. Don't be pissed, people. It's not their goddamned responsibility to offer healthy food. If you don't wanna be fat, don't eat there, or don't eat there often. It's purely your own fault that you weigh what you do. It wouldn't surprise me if someone tried to sue KFC for this, and they would deserve to be stabbed in the throat. I could start a business selling buckets of lard if I wanted to, maybe with some added artificial flavoring.
Alfie's Tasty Lard Buckets, Just Two Easy Payments of $3.99!
No one would force you to buy my product, just like no one forced you to eat too much McDonalds food. If you want to be healthy and don't read the nutritional information available from restaurants, that's your own stupid fault, you asshole fatass.
Look, I'm not trying to be mean. I don't hate fat people, just the stupid ones. I'm a little fat, but it doesn't matter if I were hilariously obese, it couldn't be blamed on anything beyond me. Anyone that says any restaurant is "making them fat" is a mental defective. The market is free enough that you choose which food to eat, damnit.
I had a bunch of Swedish Fish, but they were hunted to extinction.
Band Name of the Day: Homie G and his Tasty Lard Buckets
Alfie // 7/10/2006 12:04:00 AM
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Saturday, June 17:
TV commercial idea: A red Porsche roars into the screen, parked in front of a downtown hotel. Valet drivers stand in a row behind a red velvet rope, glass sliding doors open automatically, everyone's in a tuxedo or gown, and dozens of international flags adorn the plaza in front of the lobby. The camera focuses on the Porsche logo at the front of the car as the attractive couple exits it. Suddenly, a man runs in front of the valet driver, hopping into the car and stealing it, speeding off down the boulevard. There's a long pause in which the victim of the theft looks longingly after his automobile, and then he says, furiously, "My iPod was in there!" The screen fades to black, and that's it. It could be done in 15 seconds.
Porsche and Apple could share the cost of producing the commercial and placing it on the air, since it's an advertisement for both companies' products, and people would appreciate the subtlety and strangeness of it.
"Estonia, Latvia, and Lithuania had the courtesy to arrange themselves in alphabetical order on the map."
That's what my 9th grade World Geography teacher at Klein High School Mrs. Conway had to say.
I'm taking a chemistry course in summer school, and last week there was a lecture about solubility. The professor discussed solutes, solvents, and the effects of heat and pressure on different substances' solvation. There was an example problem, and I raised my hand to ask a question. "I realize this is a Catholic school, but since this is a science class, professor, don't you think that it's a little bit inappropriate to be talking about solvation?"
And while I'm on the subject of school, here's a picture of one of my graded biology exams from last semester. One of the three ways bacteria achieve movement, in addition to the use of flagella, is "Scooters - They zip around on 'em."
The professor wrote "Good" and did not take off points.
There's a gym sort of place called "Curves," which offers fitness programs for overweight women. I don't dislike overweight women, but I do dislike the name "Curves." Every woman's curvy, damnit, even the most rail-thin supermodel. You don't have curves, you're fat. You're not "big-boned" either, and you're certainly not "healthy." You're obese and that's very unhealthy.
Halfway between a model and athlete is porn star.
Band Name of the Day: Dipole Moment
Alfie // 6/17/2006 10:10:00 PM
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Sunday, May 7:
I'm not the first to say this, but going to Catholic mass is a party, and Jesus is the host.
I may be Hispanic but I dance like a white boy.
Everyone you know that's not missing their head is capitated.
Alfie // 5/07/2006 01:01:00 PM
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Wednesday, April 26:
Amanda said of her and her sister, "We were never really allowed to play with frisbees; they made my mom nervous."
We were wearing rubber gloves in biology lab and the professor caught me filling up my glove with water so it blew up like a balloon. She gave me a dirty look and I quickly explained, "I was merely ascertaining whether or not latex is a water permeable membrane, not unlike cells' phospholipid bilayer." Later I got scissors and cut half of each of the glove's fingers off, so when I put it on I looked like a bum surgeon, and when I use that phrase I mean a cross between a hobo and a doctor that uses scalpels, not someone that operates on your booty.
In the middle of a rap, Sifl & Olly said, "I got cooties from Rudy's big old booty."
I'm going to legally change my name to Pseudo-Dionysius The Areopagite.
The third.
Band Name of the Day: Yesno
Alfie // 4/26/2006 07:18:00 PM
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Wednesday, April 19:
In my Theater Arts class in 6th grade we were assigned a project where we had to pantomime something. One of my friends mimed waking up in the morning and then pretended to unzip his pants and pee, and he was written up immediately.
Here is a video I shot last summer. Keith and Tyler fought with a vacuum cleaner and toy lightsaber as weapons.
Alfie // 4/19/2006 01:18:00 AM
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Wednesday, April 12:
Seize Elouise and make cheese or freeze the peas
Ease the trustees and tease Lisa with a squeeze
Sneeze in these trees, if you please, that come in threes
Measure degrees of diseases of Burmese
Falcons Maltese in the breeze over the seas
Fly very high in the sky over Versailles
Cry if you're shy, don't deny me in July
Sigh when you spy with your eye my pie supply
Die underlie thigh imply defy apply.
The end.
BBC News told me that "Prince Harry has been commissioned as an officer in the Army watched by his proud grandmother. " That could basically be a news story from the 12th century. The headline: Prince dubbed a knight, watched by proud Queen.
I knew a guy who used to tell people, "I'm from L.A.," but he was from Louisiana.
I don't smoke cigarettes because I don't enjoy the smell of tobacco, the flavor of the smoke, or the feeling of lung cancer.
Alfie // 4/12/2006 07:16:00 PM
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Saturday, March 25:
It would be fun to register as a Republican so you could gain entry to one of those rally / interviews with George W. Bush. The administration tries to play it off as a representative sample of the population cheering for him, so I'd make sure all the cameras were on me and ask him, "Mr. President, I just wanna say I speak for just about everyone here when I say we love you more than just about everyone in the world." In a really sappy voice with a thick Texan accent, maybe.
Also, it makes me happy that there's a growing conservative movement of supporting the war but condemning its execution. I think it's wonderfully reasonable and practical and utilitarian and real-life, because we have the rest of our lives and a million generations to argue about the start of the war and whether or not we should've started it, but right now, a shitload of people are dying. So let's sort that shit out first, and by the way, no, we shouldn't have started it. Ha.
I think it's funny that humans aren't very capable of working together in very large groups. Fish and antelope move in big groups as if they have a single mind. Crowds of people accidentally trample each other and overheat. The only thing we do in large groups very well is fight and kill each other.
After I had the knee surgery, I went to the doctor to have the bandages removed. They'd told me there would be four incisions, but there were five. My dad was there in the room and said, "Well, you got a fifth one at no extra cost."
Alfie // 3/25/2006 02:10:00 PM
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Saturday, March 11:
My sister was in my room as I listened to Fischerspooner's debut album at an unreasonable volume, and I told her that my speakers sound amazing and the one hundred dollars they cost were some of my best spent money. She said, immediately, "What about that whore in Tijuana?"
I think everyone should refer to whores as "prosties." Because it's downright cute. Also, it'd be funny if STDs were only temporary. If gonorrhea didn't stick with ya, it'd be much less of a big deal, wouldn't it? "Oh hey Joey, you wanna go to that keg party tonight?" "Oh I can't, mate, my chlamydia's acting up again. I gotta stop spending time with the prosties for a few days, let it heal up, ya know?"
My mother took this picture.
But I cropped it.
Alfie // 3/11/2006 12:15:00 AM
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Friday, March 10:
Holy Crappers.
Remember when I said this?
I always type out shit in Notepad; Notepad is the shit. If I could put a bomb in poop, that shit would be the bomb.
Because I do. Because I'm my biggest fan, that's why.
I asked Amanda, "What would you do if I called you a corporate slut puppy?" And SHE said, "What would you think if I called you a privately owned kitten whore?"
My brother's moved to Buenos Aires and started medical school, my girlfriend's left me (to spend a few days in the Bahamas), and my throat's infected and infested with streptococcus bacteria. Technically, last week was "midterms week," but it's in the upcoming few days that I'll have hella exams and papers due. Oh, and on Thursday night lots of friends are going to spend money on alcoholic beverages that they will not personally enjoy, but rather send my way in celebration of the fact that it will be legal for me to drink them. And yes, when I say "them," the pronoun's antecedent is "friends." It will be legal, come Thursday, for me to drink my friends. Don't even ask.
Yech and Key Largo blimey shoestring shooter bunnies. Fuckdog Mackenzie wafers.
Band Name of the Day: Honors
Alfie // 3/10/2006 12:47:00 AM
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Thursday, March 2:
My girlfriend
Looks like
a baby Ewok.
I had to write a biology lab report in which I described modern taxonomy as a synthesis of the fossil record and molecular technology’s application to traditional phylogeny, but I didn't even bother to explain why phylogenetic systematics connects classification with evolutionary history. Because that's obvious, right?
Sorry I haven't been updating. I've been extremely busy with school, with school and with partying. It's terrible to have such unavoidable, inescapable moral obligations and expectations like being expected to go out a lot. I'm kidding, because that's what I like to do. That, and contemplate the way we are conscious of reality. Some day next week I'm going to spend some time visiting a research laboratory in the medical center here in Houston, the lab of a scientist studying the way the brain perceives time, the lab of a scientist whom I had the audacity to e-mail and meet and perhaps impress by my casually dropping words like "hypothalamus" and "parietal lobe." I'm sure he's not impressed yet, actually, but regardless of the extent to which impressions have or will be made, there's a chance I'll be able to volunteer at his neuroscience lab, and that's fucking exciting.
There's nothing wrong with uploading pictures of yourself to Myspace, even ones that were obviously taken by you. The subject may also be the photographer, but I hate it when the shot is set up in a way that tries to convince you that it was actually taken by someone else.
As if someone would randomly take a bird's-eye-view picture of your head on a pillow looking forlornly at your nightstand.
It fucks my shit right up.
Band Name of the Day: Homie G and the Womp Rats
Alfie // 3/02/2006 12:53:00 PM
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Friday, February 10:
This is a picture of Nanette and Laura's balcony door.
My sister and I studied for a chemistry test together. It was family bonding, and covalent bonding.
"The doctors told me I could hear better than average. They thought I was lyin' at first when I explained what I was hearing right then. My eyes are too sensitive to light, too. I mean, sure, I do really like sunglasses, but it seems like I suffer more than average in bright sunny weather. So basically I spend my days wincing from loud noises, squinting at bright lights, as if I were hungover every moment of my life."
"But anyway, if you want to piss off a chemistry professor," he advised solemnly, "Ask him if methane is the same as methamphetamine."
A picture is worth a thousand words, and that's why magazines are better than novels.
Band Name of the Day: Chunky Red Streaks
Alfie // 2/10/2006 02:05:00 PM
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Tuesday, January 31:
While at a party, I heard someone say extremely angrily, "What the fuck did you say about the goddess Minerva?!"
The party got busted a while later. Having about thirty extremely loud, drunk people yelling along the lyrics to "Bohemian Rhapsody" was alright, but when partygoers set off bottle rockets and firecrackers in the front yard despite fireworks' illegality in the city of Houston and a state-wide burn ban, that was too much. The cops yelled and yelled.
LINDA: No, it's okay, you can talk about drinking in front of me. I don't judge.
MATT: What you don't do is disapprove. Everyone judges.
LINDA: Don't be a bitch.
MATT: Anyway, the point is, Tracy and I have been hanging out a lot.
LINDA: You find her attractive, don't you, you old fox?
MATT: Hell yes. She has kind of a weird little body though.
LINDA: Whatever, shut up, you'd sleep with her.
MATT: I did.
LINDA: WHAT?! You fuckin' liar, you did not.
MATT: Well, I literally slept with her.
The Beatles are one of the few bands that you can question someone for disliking.
iadore311: oh, my aunt waxed my dad's unibrow
iadore311: hahahaha
iadore311: and it was red for 2 days
Ambulances are like superheroes. "What's that, a cry of distress? Let's away!"
Band Name of the Day: About Face
Alfie // 1/31/2006 12:25:00 AM
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Monday, January 23:
This blog's template sucks. And the content? Only a li'l bit.
During the first week of my senior year in high school, I got so sick I had to miss the 3rd day of school. I felt ridiculous.
Classes started today. My sister and I had breakfast together. We both had a little bit of these round, flat sausages. I thought they looked weird, she thought they tasted funny. We both ate them, and we both got sick. I haven't felt this bad from food poisoning in years. I woke up from a nap with the realization that I was about to vomit.
I only made it to the sink, which was oddly humorous. I don't think I've heard of people throwing up in sinks except when extremely drunk.
I have quite a few shirts that I call "undershirts" even though they're really just crappy old t-shirts that I mostly got for free and only use to sleep with, kinda like a lot of girls I know.
Alfie // 1/23/2006 10:38:00 PM
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Thursday, January 19:
Facebook, an online friends site, is now letting you define the relationship you have with each of your friends. The description shows up when you view their profile.
Alejandra is your friend and relative. She was also your housemate, coworker, fellow group member, classmate, fellow program participant, schoolmate, and travel buddy. You met her randomly, through Facebook, dated, and hooked up.
Of course, few people take it seriously.
One hundred and fifty years ago, people asked themselves, "Do you think human flight is possible?" the way we ask ourselves now, "Will we someday travel through time?"
I saw two men in Austin get maced and tazered, and then a police horse almost pooped on one of them. On the head of one of them.
I want to make a stop-motion animation movie that's done in the style of old silent films, where the important lines of dialog are displayed on a black background. It should be shot in black and white, be extremely violent, and have an unimaginably incredibly delicious soundtrack. Harry is Executive Producer, and we need your help as set hands and grips. The pay is sandwiches.
Alfie // 1/19/2006 11:20:00 PM
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Tuesday, January 17:
I (heart) NY.
But why'd you stop talking to me, NY? Why'd you have to be all like, ignoring the Myspace messages I sent and stuff? I know you've been through terrible times recently, and I wanted to be there for you. We can rebuild, but it'll take action on your part, NY.
The actual injury to my knee hasn't been nearly as bad as using crutches and having surgery and undergoing physical therapy.
The next time you find yourself lying on your back in a field with the bottom half of your leg twisted to the right, with your kneecap on the left instead of on top, with a crowd standing around you, staring, make sure you realize that this will be the high point of the whole experience.
Alfie // 1/17/2006 05:04:00 AM
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Tuesday, January 10:
Son of a bitch nugget, son of a bastard nut.
Haiku time.
You've no idea
How hard it is to don socks
Wearing a leg brace.
He got to talking about politics, so I said, "You know what's keeping you down? Gravity. Every second of your life not spent free-falling is because of the ground pushing up at you because gravity forces you down."
I didn't take vicodin today, and I thought it'd be cool to have taken painkillers after an arthroscopic surgery for less than four days, but then my knee hurt again and I had to admit I don't have Wolverine's healing abilities.
The wonders of laptop computers with wireless internet connections:
*******: MMMMM GREAT
*******: NO TOILET PAPER
Vittriol: the ancient romans used sponges on a stick
Vittriol: that they'd wash and re-use
*******: I AM STUCK HERE ON THE TOILET TILL SOMEONE BRINGS ME TP
Once, someone had just smoked a cigarette in the apartment, and when we were going to try to get rid of the smell, he opened the closet door. He said he was "creating a larger volume for the gas to diffuse in." We all stared at him, and he explained, "I'm a chemistry major."
Later we started arguing about philosophy, so I told the guy, "It's like I always say, if the representational principle behind visual perception involves an explicit volumetric spatial model of external reality, then sensorimotor function might also be best implemented in the form of an explicit volumetric model of the body, like a wooden marionette, with hinges and ball joints at elbows and shoulders just like the real body that it represents by analogy."
Just kidding, I didn't say that, it's quoted from here.
Band Name of the Day: Don Socks
Alfie // 1/10/2006 01:37:00 AM
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Saturday, January 7:
One of my friends in high school got in trouble for wearing a shirt that said "Phuket." Some teacher didn't believe him when he said it was a city in Thailand, and that he'd bought it there.
And talking about uncultured swine, my evil bitch of a 5th grade teacher was fired for slapping one of her students. It took place two years after I endured her tutelage, and I wasn't very surprised to hear what she'd done.
You may be tempted to believe I'm twenty years old, but truly I'm a sort of ageless, timeless entity. I transcend spacetime as a being of pure consciousness.
"You're the reason I wake up in the morning," I explained to her.
"And I don't mean that you provide meaning to my life, I mean like, you disturb my sleep."
Band Name of the Day: Spacetime
Alfie // 1/07/2006 11:44:00 PM
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Friday, January 6:
My knee is having surgery several hours from now. I'll not be awake as bone and ligament from the "tissue bank" are put in my body, along with some metal screws to secure it all.
This is contributing NOTHING to my plans of being a cyborg. I want synthetic tissue, dammit, not some dead guy's ligament. And the metal parts won't even make me stronger than I used to be!
I don't know how long I'll be unconscious from the anaesthetics. The surgery will last between one and one and a half hours, so I'm hoping it'll be at least that long.
xcutiepie697x: lol
xcutiepie697x: ull be fine
Vittriol: yep
Vittriol: thanks : )
xcutiepie697x: my bro had surgery on his arm..he woke up in the middle of it and saw the doc cut his arm
Vittriol: awesome, thanks for telling me this a few hours before my surgery
xcutiepie697x: lol
xcutiepie697x: he saw his bone and everything..then he went back to sleep
xcutiepie697x: im not jokin..just incase u think i am
Vittriol: I didn't think you were joking
Vittriol: why would you tell me that?
xcutiepie697x signed off at 1:23:40 AM.
Instead of the grown-up themes of betrayal, fall from power, and stuff like that, movies made for little kids can get away with the film's concept being something as simple as "little monkey in the big city."
Hanging Out At Jake's Apartment
Act I, Scene IV
JAKE: You're bumming a smoke again? You should probably buy me a pack sometime.
BRIAN: Hey hold up, yo, please recall the fact that I recently brought twenty-nine Keystone Lights over here.
JAKE: Yeah, but you drank some of 'em.
BRIAN: Exactly four. But let's say I had five, and also that there were an even 30 beers to begin with. I could've easily sold them to some freshman kid for $10. And assuming I'd still drank four of 'em for some reason, that's only one sixth of the ten bucks. And if we round up to one fifth, it then, only then, becomes two bucks. So really you owe me eight dollars.
JAKE: What the fuck?
BRIAN: Didn't you follow my math, Jake? I'm being kind here.
The end.
Amanda had two pet hermit crabs. They were named Hermie and Shelly.
I'm getting a permanent marker and writing on the knee that still has an ACL, "Wrong knee, doc."
Just in case.
Band Name of the Day: Defunked
Alfie // 1/06/2006 01:14:00 AM
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Tuesday, January 3:
I've gotten much better at dealing with my paranoia, but so accustomed to dismissing it completely that it's making me paranoid all over again. Maybe there is reason to be paranoid right now and I'm just ignoring the feeling out of habit!
End quote.
Conversation:
NANCY: Cody, I can't belive you didn't invite me and Deborah to the poetry reading.
CODY: Look, I'm sorry, ok? I just felt like it was something pretentious.
NANCY: Then why'd you agree to read your poem on stage?
CODY: Anne and Derek asked me to. I didn't want to lie to my friends!
NANCY: You met those "friends" in the rehearsals for the reading, after you said you'd take part in it.
When I was little, I thought that song "My Bonnie lies over the ocean" referred to something like this.
Notice how I put her in a dress so it'd be much easier to draw?
Alfie // 1/03/2006 08:19:00 PM
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Tuesday, December 27:
Let's say I become famous in the future. I can't decide if I'd rather be on the front cover of the New York Times for my work, or be a guest on the Daily Show with Jon Stewart.
Baby Got Back is this generation's ridiculous-but-awesome-at-the-same-time "guilty pleasure" sort of dance song, just like in the past it was YMCA.
Parisian and Milanese fashion is like the Chinese silks and spices of a few centuries ago.
The road to Beaumont was long and boring, and I didn't fall asleep or anything, but at one point I did reach down to turn the volume up when I meant to speed up the car.
No, it's not "dirty," my parents have to get all dramatic and say, "Your room is psychotic." It reminds me of that time I wore a shirt and my father said, "The color is... puking."
I know someone that crapped in a bidet, expecting it to flush, not really paying attention.
It was sensationally hilarious.
iadore311: alex wasted like 10 pieces of paper drawing penises
iadore311: in my notebook
iadore311: and they were my last 10 pages
iadore311: that i needed
Vittriol: haha
iadore311: he is a kewl guy
I have to study more next year, even though this last semester of Biology, Chemistry, and their labs kept me busier than I've ever been in college. I've been studying for those two classes so much that Whitney told me, "Science is ruining your life. Let's go back in time and fix it to where you can know everything. That way, I'll be the friend of the guy that knows everything, and that would be fantastic."
Alfie // 12/27/2005 06:28:00 PM
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Sunday, December 25:
If you use the word "prophylaxis" seemingly casually in a random conversation in the dorm hallway, you're an asshole and I don't care where you're from. It's obvious you're just hoping someone will say they don't know that word, and you'll just have to go and define it for all of us, won't you?
I say anyone that uses that word "prophylaxis" is pretty much an asshole.
I like that the Dodo bird was extinct already when it was still fashionable for men to wear powdered white wigs.
WASHINGTON (Reuters) - Get ready for a minute with 61 seconds. Scientists are delaying the start of 2006 by the first "leap second" in seven years, a timing tweak meant to make up for changes in the Earth's rotation.
The adjustment will be carried out by sticking an extra second into atomic clocks worldwide at the stroke of midnight Coordinated Universal Time, the widely adopted international standard, the U.S. National Institute of Standards and Technology said this week.
"Enjoy New Year's Eve a second longer," the institute said in an explanatory notice. "You can toot your horn an extra second this year."
That's what the scientists at the institute had to say in their explanatory notice, about tootin' yer horn.
Alfie // 12/25/2005 01:43:00 AM
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Friday, December 9:
The capital of Madagascar is Antananarivo. They love their A's!
On my last chemistry test, one of the problems involved writing the full name of the reaction's product. It wasn't for points or anything, but I accidentally said "As" was Astatine instead of Arsenic. When I got the test back, the professor has written next to it, "You should be ashamed."
Learn from my mistakes, and remember that "Kr" is Krypton, not Kryptonite, because that stuff Superman hates doesn't exist. Also take care to keep clear that "Ca" is Calcium, not Carbonite, because that's only in Star Wars.
ichelleo: I accidentally got accepted again by Georgetown while enrolled in the school without applying
ichelleo: all because I complained to the president
My friend told me, "Fuck, I haven't been to my internship since before Thanksgiving, and I haven't e-mailed him a single time with why. I don't know what I can even say as an excuse... I'm just gonna be like, 'Look, I blew you off because I was too busy to take on the job in the first place, so let's just put this behind both of us... see you never.'"
Someone I know who lives in the dorms walked around barefoot for days. "Where are your shoes, dude?" we all asked him, and he said simply, "I lost them."
Alfie // 12/09/2005 12:24:00 AM
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Tuesday, November 29:
In Las Vegas, that main road is the Strip, in Miami it's the Strand, and in Austin it's the Drag.
When you're calling a girl to hang out, tell her, "I was about to take a nap, but I thought it'd be better to see you in real life than just in my dreams."
Tell a boss or anyone you don't like, "You surround yourself with idiots."
I can think of a lot of things I'd like to tell our president. Lots of advice. He probably wouldn't listen to me, even if I cared to meet him, if I graced him with my presence. One thing I couldn't help but tell him, though, is Please, for the love of your God, stop mispronouncing the word "nuclear." The L comes before the "ee" sound, you fucktard. It's not "nukeelar," I promise.
Band Name of the Day: The Titty Boners
Alfie // 11/29/2005 07:35:00 PM
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Friday, November 25:
One of my friends gets philosophical about candy. "I like to embrace the unpopular colors," he says of Skittles bubble gum, "and pop two greens and two yellows at the same time." Have you tried that stuff, the Skittles gum? It's better than Ezra.
When someone asks about your love life, say, "I've gotten a lot of action this semester. I must have, like, seven STD's by now."
Later on in the day yesterday, after the fondue, we had some re-heated beef lo mein. Happy Thanksgiving!
Alfie // 11/25/2005 05:57:00 PM
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Thursday, November 24:
I have a column in the St. Thomas newspaper now. It makes sense sometimes.
Because we're such traditional, good, old-fashioned, red-blooded Americans, my family and I ate fondue today.
You know what else we did? We got a neighbor's piece of mail, two coupons for cheap movie rentals from Hollywood Video, and we're planning on keeping it. We're just a bunch of antisocials.
Alfie // 11/24/2005 04:52:00 PM
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Tuesday, November 8:
Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name
Thy kingdom come, thy will be done
On earth as it is in heaven
Give us this day our daily bread
And forgive us our trespasses,
As we forgive those who trespass against us
Or, if thou wilt not,
Be but sworn my love
And I'll no longer be a Capulet.
Last weekend I visited Laurie in Louisiana. I'd never been to Baton Rouge before, and the bassist in the live band at the keg party was in one of my English classes in high school. Neither of us remembered each other's names at first, so it was cool.
At a club, a black guy said to my brother, "You can dance better than any white boy I've ever seen."
Every door in the dorm here is flanked by bulletin space where you can pin up pictures and papers. The only thing I put up was a sign I found on the floor (it was yellow and said "CAUTION Restroom Closed").
Someone stole it.
Band Name of the Day: Society
Alfie // 11/08/2005 06:45:00 PM
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Friday, November 4:
I'm in chemistry, and there's a bearded man facing me as he stands in front of this classroom, but I'm not paying attention to his talk of kilojoules and systems of gases. I'm thinking of writing these words that I'm writing. I like you better when you're unemployed.
Once I saw a yellow school bus parked at a porn shop. The driver was on break, I guess. It would've been funny if the kids were waiting inside the bus for him. And then he'd come back and they'd be like, "Hey Mister, what does 'Zone D'Erotica' mean? Hey Mister!"
Alfie // 11/04/2005 02:35:00 PM
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Sunday, October 30:
I washed the dishes in my Hunter S. Thompson costume.
My lips were chapped the other day, so I bought some chapstick and felt girly for doing so. I rationalized my choice of purchase by saying, "I've never bought it before in my life!" But then I realized that I had bought it before when I skied in Colorado. So then I didn't feel girly at all, because applying it while skiing is a quite manly use of chapstick. What's definitely not is that I used the phrase "quite manly."
It'd be funny to give the president a pen filled with disappearing ink right before he signed a bill into law.
Alfie // 10/30/2005 06:41:00 PM
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Monday, October 24:
This is Robert's refrigerator.
I saw this thing on stage the other night, but I must say to you, sir, that it was more of a Lack of Talent Show.
Band Name of the Day: Buffer
Alfie // 10/24/2005 02:23:00 AM
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Friday, October 21:
I'm totally screwed on this test, and five a.m. is the worst time to figure that out. Configure devout. To trigger my doubt. Disfigure a trout.
"Starch, a storage polysaccharide of plants, is a polymer consisting entirely of glucose monomers. Most of these monomers are joined by 1-4 linkages (number 1 carbon to number 4 carbon), like the glucose units in maltose. The angle of these bonds makes the polymer helical. The simplest form of starch, amylose, is unbranched. Amylopectin, a more complex form of starch, is a branched polymer with 1-6 linkages at the branch points."
It makes sense once you read it thirty times, stare at Figure 5.5a, write it down in a different way, and commit suicide. Or something.
Alfie // 10/21/2005 05:07:00 AM
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If you've reached that point in studying where you just can't keep looking at your notes, when you think, "I've learned all I'm going to remember," and you feel it's worthless to keep going... Well, friend, you've started cramming too early.
I never reach that point. And look at my grades! Actually, don't.
I'm cramming for a biology exam, and it's more incredibly fantastically disgustingly awesome than anything you've ever imagined imagining.
Alfie // 10/21/2005 02:07:00 AM
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Saturday, October 15:
I got kicked out of a Kroger's grocery store for riding one of those little scooter-wheelchairs for obese people.
xxxxxx: cool, I lost my cell phone
xxxxxx: in a drunken fit
xxxxxx: it's gone
Vittriol: how?
xxxxxx: i just lost it after drinking about 12 beers
xxxxxx: at this party
When I got in a car crash and the airbag went off, it burned my neck a little and it looked like a big hickey.
Call someone "assdagger."
Band Name of the Day: The Dark Leafy Greens
Alfie // 10/15/2005 03:44:00 PM
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Tuesday, October 4:
People will one day look at "statement tees" the way we see poodle skirts, and wearing sideways caps and sleeveless basketball jerseys will be as ridiculous as the big-haired androgyny of the 1980s.
So, it turns out I have a torn ACL, and I don't even know what that stands for. It might have been a career-ending injury if running around a lot had anything to do with neuroscience research. I might need surgery, but you know what, I don't even care because it's funny in two ways. First of all, over the last few weeks I've kept saying, "Oh, the knee, ha, it's not bad, you see, it's not like I tore a ligament or anything, I'll be back at practice soon." Secondly, this will be a good story to tell in a decade or two as I drink a glass of wine that I will have learned to enjoy by that point, I'll be like, "Indeed, Margaret... And you know, I tried playing rugby for a fortnight in my collegiate years... wound up tearing my anterior cruciate ligament!" She'll chuckle politely and dab at her eyes with a linen handkerchief.
ACL, tear, knee, whatever. It's not a big deal. My hopes are high. My hopes are high because they've been doing drugs.
I almost told a random girl she had nice eyes, but I was glad I didn't because I saw her later in my chemistry class.
Hey, remember how I wrote about fencing the other day? I was secretly very proud of that.
I'm not even making this up: On campus here (on Saturday at 8 p.m.), there's an event called "Chopin and Break Dancing," and that is awesome to me. It's like preparing an eight-hour braised lamb shank drizzled with mint oil served with tater tots.
If this were a Myspace blog, I'd be like
Current mood: straight trippin', boo
Alfie // 10/04/2005 04:14:00 PM
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Sunday, October 2:
Intelligent Conception should be taught in schools.
Scientists say babies come from SEX and ZYGOTES, but what the fuck do they know? My religion says differently, and says RIGHTLY, because it's my RELIGION and I BELIEVE. Every moral American realizes children are dropped into homes through chimneys by storks, as opposed to growing inside the tummies of mummies as a result of SINFUL DIRTY SEXY actions. Little bitty babies' biology don't have anything to do with ALLELES and GENES an' shit, they're put together in a certain way by the stork. So ignore logic and reason and anything the ATHEIST LIBERAL COMMIE SCIENTISTS AND TEACHERS will tell you.
Intelligent Conception should be taught in schools.
Alfie // 10/02/2005 05:06:00 PM
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Friday, September 30:
A friend of a friend of mine got really drunk and "woke up with an Asian girlfriend."
If, in your online profile like Myspace or whatever, you write "I like everything" under "music," what that actually means is "I don't really like anything." Either that or you're lazy as shit.
It would be funny to buy a fake I.D. with counterfeit bills, and, if anyone ever asks you how many drugs you've tried, say, "At once?"
Alfie // 9/30/2005 04:14:00 PM
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Monday, September 26:
So I'm in the back (third) row of the van as my family and I are running away from Rita to Oklahoma, and the cooler is next to me. I'm passing water forward.
VERONICA: Wait, Alfie, can you give me a Fiji? I don't like Ozarka bottles.
ME: We're evacuating from a goddamn hurricane!
VERONICA: BUT WE HAVE FIJI WATER!
Worst evacuee ever, s'what she is.
Later, boredom struck.
VERONICA: (almost to herself) I didn't bring a book or anything. I've been playing a game, seeing how many Corn Pops I can fit in my mouth.
ME: What's your record?
VERONICA: (immediately and matter-of-factly) Thirty five.
I beat her record, and then my brother beat mine.
Last week, if someone had told me they were from Tulsa, I'm pretty sure I would've said, "I'm sorry." But no.
Tulsa, Oklahoma is nicer than Spring. The only good thing about my hometown (or home-suburb) is its proximity to Houston, and Houston isn't even nearly as cool as it should be.
I hate fencing. Its creators took sword fighting, something totally badass, and somehow managed to make it intensely and powerfully prissy and effeminate. You know who got it right? The Japanese, with kendo. None of that "rest your left hand jauntily on your hip while you thrust and parry merrily with a wibbly-wobbly sword that's only sharp at the tip" bullshit. Man, fuck fencing.
Did I ever tell you about how I have 3 points on my driver's license? Well, I do, and it's hilarious.
Alfie // 9/26/2005 01:10:00 AM
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Wednesday, September 21:
Happy Birthday, Veronica! Congratulations, you are one step closer to death.
Well, I've still got a "bum knee," but I don't have to use crutches anymore. I went from gimp... to a limp. Gimpy boy to limpy boy. So yeah, I might be walking with a bad limp, but it's 1.7 thousand times better than having to use the goddamn crutches. Walking down the hall and eating a pear at the same time felt downright luxurious.
Hurricane Rita's comin' to town. The New Orleans evacuees in the Astrodome are being evacuated, and my family and I are leaving too. We've made reservations at a random-ass podunk hotel that is quite literally in the middle of Texas (just about). Hotels are so hard to find that, when I was calling around, several people gave me numbers to hotels with vacancies in fucking New Mexico.
Currently I'm at my home in North-West Houston, where I'll be for at least a few more hours. I left UST today (classes are canceled for the rest of the week) even though dorm residents don't have to be evacuated until 6 p.m. tomorrow. A lot of my friends are driving to Austin or San Antonio. A couple of others are gonna "ride it out," and, as responsible young adults, have stocked up on liquor.
My name is Alfie V
I almost broke my knee
There'll be no surgery
It's not necess-ary
'Cause I am now crutch-free
And an evacuee
It's hard to walk, Houston might be flooded or damaged, I'm taking pictures of my room and house in case it's destroyed, Garbage is breaking up, and I most probably won't make it to the Rilo Kiley / Coldplay concert this Saturday (assuming it's not canceled). But hey, at least I don't have to sit through Chemistry tomorrow, right? Right? Shit.
Alfie // 9/21/2005 04:11:00 PM
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Friday, September 16:
Crutches are a pain in the ass.
ichelleo: in my elementary school everyone thought crutches were cool
ichelleo: and secretly hated the lucky person who got them
Vittriol: and then in high school, you wanted to be the friend of that guy
Vittriol: so you left class early
ichelleo: yeah, just like you wanted to be friends with the diabetic
ichelleo: so you could eat their food
I just have my laptop here at the dorm, and not my desktop with its gorgeous speakers. I thought it would limit the time I waste on my computer.
It just makes it more frustrating.
Alfie // 9/16/2005 12:49:00 AM
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Monday, September 12:
People keep asking me if it hurt when my knee was injured.
Not at all, I wanna say. No, of course not! It actually just sort of tickled... it felt like rainbows and honeybees and gumdrops and beautiful unicorns.
My friend has an impressive book collection, but she can't compete with me. I have a signed first edition of the Bible.
Heroin is my anti-drug.
Saying "talk to you later":
heresaralulu: aiight, I'm out
heresaralulu: like you in the middle of a rugby game
heresaralulu: heh, that one made me chuckle
She thinks she's so clever.
The only good thing to come out of this nonsense is that I can honestly say (for at least a few days) that I have a "bum knee." That's a good phrase and I bet you wish you could use it.
Alfie // 9/12/2005 09:01:00 PM
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Sunday, September 11:
Whoa hey! The good news?
I'm now the proud owner of a couple of nifty crutches I'll have to use for a few days. I've never been a cripple before, and I must say, I've grown rather fond of these crutches. They're positively charming, the pair of 'em.
Bad news: My left kneecap was dislocated. Oh, it's better now (popped back in place and all), in case you were -- Hey! You should really listen to Soulwax.
You know what made me feel better? The first google result when I typed in "dislocated kneecap" said it was (and I QUOTE!) a "common knee injury among athletes." Snap, dawg, d'you hear that shit? Athletes. Yep. Athletes that have a puff from their asthma inhaler before the game, athletes that research their injuries on google, and look up "rugby" on wikipedia.org before joining the team. Fo' shizzle.
In my defense, it wasn't my nerdy-thin-flabbiness that caused or affected the injury. Patellas are, as far as I can tell, built similarly in athletes and weaklings alike. It had nothing to do with my small muscles and out-of-shape-ness that my knee reacted the way it did when struck sideways by a human male.
Band Name of the Day: Weaklings Alike
Alfie // 9/11/2005 12:13:00 AM
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Sunday, September 4:
On St. Patrick's Day, my friend was approached by a midget dressed as a leprechaun. He asked her, "Do you have a little Irish in ya?" and then followed up with, "Do you want one?"
When told, "I punched him in the head as hard as I could," I asked, "What did he do?!" The response was, "He fell down."
A friend of mine accidentally text messaged his father, "Aw balls it feels good to be drunk." He meant to send it to a friend next to "Dad" in the phonebook.
One of my classes' goals is to provide a better understanding of Western civilization, so it makes sense that we've been reading some books of the bible. I showed up in class on Tuesday after having been assigned certain chapters of Genesis, and gestured at the bible on the desk as I said to the girl next to me, "Crazy shit, huh?" She said she was Catholic.
Awwwkard!
I've been playing rugby, despite my being a pansy. I read about the sport online before deciding to join the St. Thomas team, just like any tough athlete would do. When some guy was about to tackle me, I freaked out and threw the ball.
I like science and I have asthma.
Alfie // 9/04/2005 09:51:00 PM
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Sunday, August 28:
I'm in my dorm at St. Thomas. There was an incredible thunderstorm earlier tonight, and streets around here were flooded. I was driving around, and had to take random turns through unknown roads to avoid the dangerously deep water. Usually I'd decide to U-turn when I saw a vehicle stuck in the middle of the road up ahead. I stopped at a Walgreen's once free of the deluge, and realized my poor little car took some damage. A hubcap is gone, and some black plastic by my front tires is coming off. I guess all those awesome minutes during which my wheels sent water flying 10 feet into the air came at a price.
The other day someone called asking for my father, who was not available, and when they asked for a better time to call back I said, "Between eleven and eleven oh eight PM."
Sorry, daddoo.
Last night at Sara's apartment, printed pictures were pinned to the dart board. We threw darts at Michael Moore, George W. Bush, and a naked midget. Each picture had it's own drawn-on bullseye, somewhere special.
Band Name of the Day: Overproduced, Uninspired Popular Music
Alfie // 8/28/2005 02:06:00 AM
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Thursday, August 25:
My friend Tej, all he talks about is polio and Eleanor Roosevelt.
So yeah, anyway, I've got it all figured out, and it feels good.
I'm going to graduate and do some sort of combination MD/PhD program specializing in neuroscience.
How does the brain work? How does it affect the mind, and vice versa? What is consciousness? People are working on answering these questions, and I want to be one of them.
I'll work in research instead of clinical medicine, so I'll be more of a scientist than a "Let me diagnose you" kind of doctor. More specifically, I'd like to work at a university rather than for a private company or corporation, which will probably mean that I'm paid less. This also means, however, that my studies will be more scientific and less oriented towards business applications, which I like. Not only that, but at a university I'll probably be expected to teach as well as work on research projects.
I'll be a cool professor. I'll ask my students if they've read the chapter, and if they have questions, and if both answers are no, I'll say "Class dismissed." Just like that.
If I teach biology, I'll have to tell this joke when we're learning about plants, I'll be like, "Plants are indiscriminate breeders... No offense to the plants in the audience." I'll do that every damn week.
Also, when I show up late, I'll ask the people in the front row, "Has the class started yet?" all worriedly.
I'll be a teacher who spends most of his time doing something he really likes, and gets paid like a doctor.
You have to make sure to have fun in whatever you do and wherever you are in life, because if you don't, what's the fun in that?
Alfie // 8/25/2005 02:54:00 AM
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Tuesday, August 23:
Instant message I received today: i had a massive hangover for my first class of the year, and scratches all over me from diving in a bush
Next time your mother makes you dinner, say, "This food smells like an airport bathroom."
Alfie // 8/23/2005 11:20:00 PM
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Saturday, August 20:
I haven't blogged because I've been gone! Yeah, that's it.
Not really, maybe, but I have been traveling a lot. First, Buenos Aires.
Classy underwear:
Classy billboard:
I made the Kessel Run in 12 of these:
No, I'm not a Star Wars nerd! Whatcha talking 'bout? Here's my drink.
So yeah, that was Argentina.
In Notre Dame, I listened to Jesus.
In Washington D.C., I took this picture.
In Illinois, I walked on water.
Wait, that's a picture of my uvula. Isn't that weird?
Band Name of the Day: Dusty Tea
Alfie // 8/20/2005 10:31:00 PM
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Wednesday, August 10:
This is my mother's cousin's daughter.
Actually, no... That little thing showed up at the party, drank all our wine, crashed on the couch, and my grandmother's sister Rebeca was all like,
"What the fuck, dog?"
My sister freaked out too,
And admired the view from my grandmother's apartment balcony,
But that didn't help calm her, so she went for a climb.
And it was right about then that I started wiggin' out, too,
And only because I needed some fresh air.
I bought some Argentine fast food,
But the steaks were too delicious.
So then I spent some time in the desert,
Considered buying a red shirt,
And finally was able to relax when my sister, who had just returned from where she and my father had been staying in Dagobah,
Gave me the newest Harry Potter book to read.
Her bookmark was a cruel joke, though.
Alfie // 8/10/2005 03:01:00 PM
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Thursday, July 28:
Looking through pirated CDs for sale, I came across this.
Stupid Argentines! The ONLY thing they didn't misspell is Lennon!
Months ago, when I downloaded Gwen Stefani's debut solo studio album, the mp3 of track 3 was labeled "Hollandback Girl" instead of "Hollaback Girl."
(You know, I just tried to change around Gwen's lyrics to have something to do with windmills and clogs and marijuana and prostitutes and Anne Frank and stuff, you know, as sample Hollandback Girl lyrics, but I totally couldn't. Didn't work at all.)
This is my friend Jason's rap. He made it up in pre-calculus class in high school.
I got gold chains
I got no pains
I am a negro
I have an afro
Yo dog
I got a bullfrog
His name is Bulldog
I call him Schmoe!
We laughed until math was the second-to-last thing on our minds, after Peruvian birdbaths.
Also, there was a Chinese pirated CD labeled "Eric Crapton." It's funny even before you think about a Chinese person confusing "l" and "r."
Alfie // 7/28/2005 11:07:00 PM
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Monday, July 18:
Here I am, and there you are. In South America, and North (probably).
On this crazy Argentine keyboard, it´s easy for me to do things like this ç´+`¡'.-,çç<
Look, Ma, no shift key!
Earlier today, at a gas station, I bought ¨Fernet Vittone.¨ Fernet is a type of alcoholic drink. Crazy, no? Maybe one of my grandfather´s neighbors started making it, and named it after him, or some shit.
At the Houston airport, I was terribobbly delayed at security. After walking through the metal detector, I was holding my keys, belt, shoes, backpack, camera, and camera case all in my hands. My family was already walking off, and I still had to get all that crap organized and put on. My sister only looked over her shoulder to yell, ¨Good job, scruffy.¨
Alfie // 7/18/2005 09:44:00 PM
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Friday, July 15:
I'll be in Argentina until July 31st. I bet liposuction would be more popular if they hired some marketing experts. Places that offer it should have commercials an' shit, all like, "Are you tired of your extra fat, floppin' all over the place? Are you sick of dieting, just like your grandparents used to? Our competitors offer outrageous promises of things like 'Ten pounds lost in 30 days,' but that's a long time, and they don't even mention how hard you have to work! Why are you still using these tired weight-loss methods? Did you know they're the exact same ones used by terrorists? Be a smart consumer... Consume as much food as you want, and Lipo your worries away in a single day!"
I went to a Middle Eastern restaurant, and they had Homos for sale.
Cheap!
Alfie // 7/15/2005 06:16:00 PM
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Sunday, July 10:
Roses are not necessarily red, and violets are never blue. If they were, they'd fucking be called "blues." I'm unemployed, and that's how I like it. The boss-man thinks I'm just taking a long break, and I'll be coming back in August, but he's mistaken. The water in the toilet at work is blue. I don't care for it, but I do like turning it green. Thursday was my last day off because I quit on Friday, and all future days aren't "days off" as much as just SUMMER!
I told Jackson he looked depressed, and he said, "I don't see any reason not to be." Brent went to Outback Steakhouse dressed as Darth Vader (with the voice-changing mask on, too). When the waitress introduced herself he said, "You may dispense with the pleasantries," and when a drink order was messed up he told her, "The Emperor is not as forgiving as I am."
Alfie // 7/10/2005 03:06:00 PM
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Wednesday, July 6:
Today was 110 degrees, and humid as balls.
War of the Worlds was CRAPPY. It BOTHERED me.
Taco Bell is so goddamned delicious it's ridiculous. It's so much better than so many other things! It makes you feel good in your heart.
A good way to put ladies in the mood is by cooing, "I got a condom in its li'l packet, and I can bust it open just for you." And touch the tip of her nose with your index finger.
Volunteering at the mental hospital, I met a thirteen-year-old who used to be addicted to cocaine. She also likes Hello Kitty. A boy had bandages all over the inside of his forearm, and he barely knows how to read. Another girl had scars in the same place. Every morning, during their "Goals Group," they take turns standing up and saying their name, age, what they're in the hospital for, and what they'd like to work on that day. Elizabeth's goal was "not to beat the shit out of Julia."
Alfie // 7/06/2005 04:09:00 PM
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Sunday, July 3:
Co-worker Keith (that's his name) has a full pot (ten cups) of coffee every morning. He came to work today having had no coffee at all, suffering, craving it. "Is it bad that I'm lusting after some cappuccino right now?" he asked, and I said, "Only if you mind having a chemical dependence. Do you?" He said "No, as long as I can always buy it."
I was thinking about working out a lot, and then I realized I'll soon be going to Argentina for two weeks, and I won't be working out there, so I said screw it.
It'd be funny if a kid at a spelling bee, when given a word he had no idea how to spell, said, "EFF YOU SEE KAY. Fuck!" Especially if the kid was twelve years old and bald.
Alfie // 7/03/2005 06:46:00 PM
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Wednesday, June 29:
This is the longest I've ever gone without updating ye olde blogge, but it's not a big deal, really, because I've gone longer without a non-shitty post.
Some guy came in the Cingular store the other day and his phone number was something like (281)259-PIMP. I was like, damn, even Mike Jones doesn't have a number that cool. Mike Jones! Who is Mike Jones? No, seriously, who the fuck?!
Music allusion jokes are crappy, because if you haven't heard the song, it's impossible to get. You know what this shit is? Bananas. You know what I ain't? No hollaback girl.
I don't have to work again until Thursday. It might be my last day. I know I've been saying that for a while, but it's getting true-er. Trust in me.
From a Washington Post article:
Bush wrestled with the pronunciation of Jafari's name and presented the interpreter some challenges by describing the Iraqi as an "open fella" and referring to "a dog chasing a tail."
Check it if you don't trust in me.
I like the Thievery Corporation's "Lebanese Blonde" less now, knowing it's on the Garden State soundtrack.
This is what I heard when I called my friend: "Your car smells positively lovely. Absolutely enchanting. Mango and papaya is delightful. I'm talking to my sister; she's a gangster."
My friend Edgar lives in Indiana. If you run into him, apologize. And say hello for me.
I'm gonna be a midget pimp when I grow up.
Download this immediately.
Band Name of the Day: Horndog
Alfie // 6/29/2005 12:31:00 AM
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Sunday, June 19:
Sometimes when I have an idea that I mustn't and dasn't and daren't forget, I save it as a text message on my cellular telphonic device (telephonic is a fake word). Here are my "quick notes":- Snow Patrol e-mail
- NO.
- Drive thrus & standardized tests are the zeitgeist
- 25 18 10
- Cuban potatoes
It's gold, Jerry! Gold.
You know my favorite Norwegian friend? Monday's her first day of work. There's a good chance it'll be my last. I'm gonna put my foot down. And then put my other foot down, slightly ahead of it. And then I'll do that over and over and over, until I've reached my boss' office. I'll speak to him about working just as hard for the company, and earning more money. We'll see how it goes. My hopes are high. My hopes have been doing drugs. Bad drugs.
I smoked flava'd tobaccy and it was so delicious that I puked in my sleep. Harrumph a noodle.
I was chatting with the boss in his office, and so was this girl that also works there. She left for a couple of minutes, and then came back, accusing us, "You were talking about me, weren't you?" I told her, "Don't flatter yourself," to which she replied, "You know, Alfie, the more I get to know you, the less I like you." I said, "Well, I didn't like you the minute I met you." The boss and I laughed. She didn't.
I dunno, maybe I'll hang out at that job until I go to Argentina in mid July. July, Juliet, Joliet, Mint Julep. July's a good month. I love only one person more than it.
Keep it fresh. Pop that collar.
Alfie // 6/19/2005 11:29:00 PM
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Friday, June 17:
In my Geometry class in high school, we had this homework assignment that involved twenty True/False questions. The last one said something like, "Nine of these twenty questions were False." It drove me nuts, and then the next day the stupid fat bitch teacher giggled about how the question was a paradox, and impossible to answer. That was a terrible story and I apologize.
My friend is working as a lifeguard this summer, and he's just been promoted. For what? Sitting there exceptionally well? I don't know. You don't know. He don't know.
I'm being promoted too, which is funny because I'm about to quit. I let you know of this, reader, but not my bosses or co-workers. All they'd have to do to find this out is google my name, but they haven't, which is good for more reasons than because I just admitted to be blogging from work. Just now.
And as long as I'm sharing things I shouldn't be... I enjoy making my lunch break last one hour and two minutes. It's true. The two people I'm working with today are outside smoking cigarettes. They spend between four and seven dollars per day on tobacco and then tell me they're too poor to eat lunch. All of us waste hours of our lives in this fucking store, and there are long periods of time where customers don't walk in. Only two computers are available for us to fool around with, and the employees all get annoyed at each other's music, conversation, smell, etc. There aren't enough stools for everyone to sit on, either, so at least one person is always tired and annoyed. We get a sort of cabin fever, too, sitting around all this time, but instead of cabin fever it's Cingular Syndrome. I didn't make that up.
Band Name of the Day: Psycho Doses
Alfie // 6/17/2005 04:41:00 PM
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Tuesday, June 14:
These are the slogans I'll be pitching to major companies.
Scotch© brand sticky tape: Providing Innovative, Paradigm-Shifting Business Solutions since the Fall of '92.
Windex: Investing in Tomorrow.
Motorola: When Kicking The Dog Just isn't Enough.
Crest Toothpaste: Better than Sex.
It's a stunning thrill ride, titillating tight-lipped exposé, fun for the whole family, from the preschoolers to the post-schoolers! A wild romp, hours of brainless entertainment! If you've got more than one kidney, you WILL enjoy this film.
I'd forgotten I had gum in my mouth, so when I bit down it was surprising and delicious.
For a second I thought to myself, maybe I've been too modest in my self-assessment. And then I laughed really hard.
Alfie // 6/14/2005 01:35:00 AM
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Monday, June 13:
Holy SHITDOGS it's late at night. I can't sleep and I have to go work in the morning. I'm thinking of quitting my job at the phone place. I don't think I'll see the end of this work week (I mean, like, as an employee, not like I'm gonna commit suicide or some shit). That's my self-fulfilling prophecy prediction.
The way things are going, I could've made more money at flippin' McDonald's, flipping the burgers (no one really flips burgers, I bet). The money I've made is abysmal, and when I use that word, when I throw it around so casually, so easily, what I mean is "poopy." It's not my fault that the wages suck, though; the commission system is fucked up. Fucked up to hell. Fucked down to hell. Shitted up the gate. Who shitted up the gate? He should be fired.
The boss guy told me that I've sold more phones in the last three weeks than any other employee. Part of that is luck, I'm sure, and another part is my being awesome. I'm so damned good that when I pick up hookers, they end up paying me.
Good at work, good in the sack. Good in the bag. Grab bag Bellagio ribbons. Marionnetes regret double digit midgets, immaculate jacket ejaculate. Yes.
I always type out shit in Notepad; Notepad is the shit. If I could put a bomb in poop, that shit would be the bomb.
Alfie // 6/13/2005 03:28:00 AM
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Sunday, June 12:
Anytime you lie down on the floor, you can say it's in a bed that's not made yet. Like, not constructed yet.
"Tracing will do you no good, Space Ghost. I am on an undetraceable sub-space frequency that is carried on a carrier beam that is disguised as a normal holiday Romulan holiday greeting."
My blog sucks, but that's what it does in the summer. I have fun, and this bitch suffers.
I am reunited and it feels so good.
Alfie // 6/12/2005 11:10:00 PM
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Friday, June 10:
Someone found my blog searching for "pale Mexican bellybutton pictures."
Mmmmmmm... pale Mexican bellybuttons.
I do declare, Clive, THAT one's more like a pale Sexican bellybutton. Woowee!
I heard a song and thought to myself that it was formulaic and unremarkable. I actually thought that to myself, and then realized that I would hate the author of a music review if they ever used those words.
Ninja Droids are OK!
I have bad reception at work. I work at a Cingular store.
Alfie // 6/10/2005 02:05:00 PM
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Tuesday, June 7:
I waste a lot of my time on the internet, and I think I don't like that. Actually, I know that I don't. But if it weren't for the internet, I'd spend all my money on music. Is that bad or awesome? I hate to keep babbling about the music I'm listening to, but I'm not gonna stop. Get Beck's "Guero." I also hate whining about my babbling, but that won't stop either. Also, isn't Kelly Osbourne SO HOT?!
Goddamn! You better know that I'm joking. I bought a CD for a dollar from a fat man on the street. It was made by an independent record label in Dallas. He gave me his personal guarantee it was "crunk ass shit," and said the first track featured Lil Jon. It actually just sampled his "yeah" and "what" and played both clips way too often over a really shitty rap. What was I thinking when I bought this? I don't even like Lil Jon. I wouldn't have been impressed even if it'd been true that he was on the album. Yargh. It was definitely not crunk ass shit. I guess I can no longer place my trust in random fat men I meet on the street in downtown Houston.
But still, it wasn't as bad as the song I heard in Chuck's car earlier tonight. I don't know who made it, but I've never heard something so unbelievably nasty and trashy. These guys made Lil Jon look like Hugh Grant. So low-classy. The lyrics made me feel Republican ("I can't believe they put this filth on tape!"). I think it almost made me bow my head in shame. And talking about Republicans, check this shit out, you undapants.
This sign [about 4 minutes away from my house (actually, not "about" as much as "pretty much exactly")] reads:
GOD LOVES YOU
SPECIAL FREE HAIR
CUT WITH HILIGHT
// And the phone number
I don't even know what to say. Crazy, dude. Crazy. I almost blacked out the phone number befor uploading the picture, but then I thought, screw it. You can have it. Why not? You can have the number, and they can have your business, if you wanna give it. Apparently it's free. Praise the lawd.
What?
Alfie // 6/07/2005 12:25:00 AM
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Friday, June 3:
Here's what I had for dinner the other night.
Here I am at work. Working.
It's actually the boss's lightsaber. Boss's, or boss'? Fuck it. Here's a shirt that got us in trouble back in junior year of high school.
It wasn't so stupid at the time, I hope. In high school, everyone was secretly addicted to online messaging, mostly on AIM. Now, most people I know have an account on some OnlineProfileForChattingOrFriendsOrDatesOrWhatever kinda site, like Myspace, The Facebook, Hi5, and so on. I had to italicize it because it's actually a 12th century German word (so maybe I really germanicized it?). But anyway, I like when people don't take it so seriously, because they always sound like morons. Always. It's always the same words, too, "sweet" and "fun to be around" and "easy going," "good sense of humor." Ironically, or perhaps paradoxically, that last one is a damning statement.
Under Favorite Books: I wrote, "I can't read. Not my fault." And I thought that was all right, you know? But Amin filled in that same space with "Sparknotes.com." I also liked David's Favorite Music: "None. Its just noise to me."
Alfie // 6/03/2005 02:32:00 PM
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Monday, May 30:
I don't like working at the Cingular store so much anymore. The other night I had a bad dream about nation-wide rate plans and the Samsung C207.
Next semester in my chemistry class, I'm going to raise my hand and be like, "Hey teacher, I'm looking at the periodic table here, and, well, I can't find the element of surprise."
Jim Gaffigan:
"I love how New York is so multicultural. I wish I was ethnic, I'm nothing. Because if you're Hispanic and you get angry, people are like, 'He's got a Latin temper!' But if you're a white guy and you get angry, people are like, 'That guy's a jerk!' Actually the reason I look like this is because my father is from Sweden and my mother was Elton John."
And talking about parents, my father's gotten several speeding tickets over the years. My mother jokes that he's actually an exceptional driver, since he's taken Defensive Driving so many times. "But actually," she explains, "you must've taken Offensive driving."
Alfie // 5/30/2005 04:36:00 PM
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Saturday, May 28:
Downstairs, I was just watching Headline News. A police chief bragged about his officers' negotiation skills in getting a murder suspect to come down from a construction crane in Atlanta. What actually happened is they offered him water, and then tazered him. Also, Oregon's Coast Guard rescued a Shih Tzu named Tinky Winky. Headline news.
My co-workers prank-called me with the manager's cell phone. "Where are you? Why aren't you at the store?!" He demanded, and I explained that I'm off work today, just as I realized it wasn't my boss's voice. I asked whom I was speaking to, and they said, "You know what? Don't even worry about it, boy!" And hung up.
My sister's graduating from high school today, so congratulations to her, and about 700 other kids. Did I say kids? I mean chumpies. Peace out, homies. Stay cool, listen to Fischerspooner, and be courteous to the elderly. Cuz they OLD.
Alfie // 5/28/2005 03:05:00 PM
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Thursday, May 26:
I love how the Master Replicas of Star Wars characters' lightsabers that people are selling on eBay are described as "like a real lightsaber."
Ohhh my goodness gracious me oh my lawdy hep meh gawd and baby jesus!
Nothing I'm writing is a caption to any picture, except maybe this sentence, in some bizarre way. As I write this, I'm deciding whether or not to publish this post. Actually, as I write this, I'm pressing buttons on a keyboard. RAPIDLY.
Alfie // 5/26/2005 10:52:00 PM
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Sunday, May 22:
In the last few days, I've seen Episode III twice as many times as one and worked twice as many times as one would like. "Girlish" is only a word if it precedes "figure," as in, "I can't eat dem chocolate balls, so that I may maintain my girlish figure." Otherwise, use "girly."
My ex-girlfriend and I have been broken up for many moons, but every once in a while, when I'm feeling sentimental, I think back to little things that happened in our relationship, and get a little pissed off. Once, when it came up, I mentioned (okay, fine, not "mentioned" as much as "showed off") how I was first place in the district in Spelling two years in a row, and she made fun of me for it in front of all my friends. Another thing I fondly recall is how I gave her some little-known song, and told her how I liked it and the band. Months later, on the phone, she gushed about how some guy friend of hers had given her an awesome new mp3. It was the same one I'd shared with her, of course, and she didn't believe me when I pointed this out.
Last night, my friend told me, "Dinosaurs are nothing but Jesus ponies." I don't understand it either, dude.
I always say something about "my friend" or "my friends," but you know who you are. If you don't, we're in trouble. Seek help.
I'm gonna name my unborn child Cletus. Cletus the fetus.
Alfie // 5/22/2005 12:22:00 PM
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Tuesday, May 17:
I got a job at the Cingular Store, just for being devilishly handsome.
Do you know how many applications I filled out today?
One.
Do you know how many jobs I got today?
One.
Do you know how many bums I killed today?
Text message conversation:
David T. Cell: do you like interpol?
Me: yep, why
David T. Cell: i thought i remembered you talking about them. i really hate them, I can't stand their sound.
END.
Alfie // 5/17/2005 08:27:00 PM
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What are you doing all the way down here? Were you planning on seeing my site's statistics? Well, snoop if you must, but I'll tell you right now, I don't get all the hits I deserve.
